Surviving Teen Years

blah. that's the word for how I feel right now: blah. around me, everything's fine! I went out with a lot of friends tonight and crashed walmart and bought frozen peas (inside joke that was pointless to post but oh well). I just feel like I'm slipping again. NOT THIS AGAIN! I don't want to fall back into the current. I'm just trying to survive. pray for me. I'm trying to draw closer to him...

Thank GOD! I feel cleaner and...ugh! Words can't describe. We went to Nona and Bobby's house (the pastor and his wife) and they helped me a lot. It would take too long to tell you all the things that they told me but it was awesome. I felt stupid at times but it doesn't bother me. I'm starting from the bottom and it's okay to sound stupid sometimes. It wasn't even stupid, just juvenile. I love the freshness of it all. I'm excited about embarking on this adventure and even more excited about feeling God's love inside me. I wans my heart to be a home for him! I don't care who knows it! Some might say that Christianity is for the weak but Christianity is swimming agaisnt the current. It's harder and takes strength to give up this world for his love because Satan is trying to pull you down. There's a great load off my shoulders.

I can't do this alone. My body and mind is completly broken and I need God's help. I get all hyped up about it, just thinking about God's love and how easy it will be for me to drop everything else when in my position. My hope begins to rise and then I think about going to school and claiming sudden Christianity. It would be discrimination and criticism everywhere and I don't think that as a new Christian that i could stand it. I'm completly DETATCHED from Kerr and my mom has the money to send me back to Mid-Del Christian, a private school, where being a teen christian isn't out of the ordinary. I long for the Lord but know that I can't stand strong in him while in school. I don't have any friends worth keeping at Kerr and I have a LOT of friends at Mid-Del. I long for him so much...sooo much! Lord, help me to say the right things when I bring the subject of going to another school up. Tell her what you think about it and tell me what you think about it. I know I can't go to school and be a Christian but I want to experience what my mom expeiriences and I want someone to wipe away my fears and teach me how to love men again...well not love like fall in love. just not loath their face.
I can play the majority of Fur Elise on the piano. It sounds so cool. I love the piano and i learn easily on it. I want this talent to grow but it can't if I don't have a keyboard. I used the church's piano to learn Fur Elise. Keyboards are just too expensive! My mom told me she got me all clothes for Christmas because she didn't know what else to get. I'm greatful that she's getting us anything at all but I told her that I wanted either a keyboard or a snake. Preferably a snake. It sounds so selfish saying that but It's true. I am NOT a selfish person.

We went to the pet store. The pet store has a reptile room that includes snakes. There were a LOT of cool snakes like two baby boa constrictors, a four year old Columbian, a ball python and a few others. They were so cool. I held the Boa and the columbian. The columbian was big and had a firm grip. The boa constrictors were just babies but they are going to get a lot bigger. I want one SO badly. They are facinating. They're not slimy like some people say they are. They're cold and scaly. I absolutely loved it. There were birds simply flying around and rabbits hopping on the ground. the snakes were in cages, though. it was so awesome. I just had to put this down in history: the day I officially fell in love with snakes.
We also went to see corps bride. It was really cool. I didn't like the ending though. I won't say what happens just in case some people haven't seen it yet. I have so much to talk about on livejournal but I think I should space it out. What if I loose the inspiration? I don't know. I'll expeiriment. I have something to talk about, lables, but I'm not going to post anything on it until tomorrow. If the words that I have on the tip of my tounge now fail me than I won't wait to post things like that. Today went pretty well. I still feel really empty and suspicious of men though. The guy in the pet store was really nice but I found myself watching him from the corner of my eye. Don't know why...I can't continue this way. I just hope this "fear" doesn't leak over into family or close friends. I don't loath my grandpa or uncle...just everyone else. It only feels that way when I look at them, though. I'm out for now.

When I was only 7, my mother's husband raped me. I didn't suffer from any "trauma" or anything. I didn't hate men and I didn't resent the man who did this to me... until now. Now, when I'm 14, I feel used and I have a deep loathing for all men. Every time I look one in the face my stomach churns and I have to stop myself from glaring or throwing up. Why, you might ask, am I sharing this with the world. It's because I know that all girls who are raped go through this bleeding process. I've just got to shake through it. It's like I have spells where I just want to cry and curl into a ball, alone. Then there are times when I forget what it felt like to feel that way until I see a random guy walking down the street.
It's like the demon hunter song, Screams of the Undead goes. "Burn it out, let it go, break it all, loose control, push it out, bring it through, pass it down, make it new. Kill the pain, scrape it off, leave it here, MAKE IT STOP. Tear it down, bleed it out, all the hate see it straight." I love that song. Check out Demon Hunter. They just put out a new CD, the Tripitch. Their old CD is awesome as well, Summer of Darkness.
I feel an empty ache inside of me. I feel like my insides are being shred to peices. My mind constantly probes the memory of what he did to me. It hurts... more than anything that i have expierienced. What's weird though is that i can't imagine who I'd be without my history...my rape. It seems like without that nasty word following me around, everything would be almost perfect. There are a few places that I'm struggling with other than that but it doesn't compare at all. VOID.
I had been noticing lately that my personality was fading and darkness was creeping in... that sounds really dark but it's true. I'm the perfect example of someone who can hurt like hell and not lable myself a goth. From what I've been through, I should have the right to call myself that but i don't want my personality to fade anymore. I think it's fading because I'm fading and weary of this life. I'm not suicidal or anything, not even close, but I am just so sick of pain. SO sick of never being happy. So sick of not being able to tell anyone except for my mom. the answer with her is always pray but i'm running from that. Always running...